Unscripted

I feel like I've been living in a thick cloud; a cloud of stress, schedules, and failed plans. I've been trudging through this cloud sending emails, mailing resumes, and doing homework that I had procrastinating like crazy on. A couple of weekends ago, Megan and I traveled to Castleton to catch up with Jake and Kate and see their Spring show Chicago. We had a great time, and the weather was so beautiful it was almost like nothing could go wrong.

Also, I was wearing my piano key suspenders for the win.

That was when everything started to go crazy. It started when the job I had been lining up this summer, the one I held last summer that allowed me to stay in Burlington for free, completely fell through because the 18 days I'm going to be in Europe this summer on Eurotheatre are too much to take off. Suddenly, I felt lost, and entirely without a plan. I can't live without a plan. What was I going to do without a job for the summer? Where was I going to get money to apply to grad school? So many questions were racing through my head about what this summer is going to look like, and what next year is going to be like especially since Megan got accepted to the University of New Hampshire for graduate school. It's entirely too much change for me to handle. I'M NOT THAT GOOD AT IMPROVISATION! WHAT DO I DO WITHOUT A SCRIPT???

Then Megan took me out on a drive and a walk around downtown Montpelier, just to talk, and to bitch about how crazy life is and what I'm doing with it. That was when I realized...I have so many more skills than I give myself credit for, and there is no reason why I can't use them. Why can't I get a job doing what I love? It's so not impossible, despite what people may say about theatre majors. Theatre, movement, creating, performing, writing, teaching...that's what I'm good at, it's probably all I'm good at, so why am I not using it to my advantage? Why don't I write my own script? So that night, I emailed a bunch of different theatres, and I received a few replies back, and I sent out my resumes, and you know what? I'm going for an interview next week.

I'm not saying that everything's all good now, because it's really not. Rehearsals for the senior directed one-act I'm starring in are going so well, but I'm still super nervous. This will be the biggest role I've had in a show at UVM, and it's thrilling but at the same time terrifying. I'm also worried about setting everything up for next year going into my senior year of college (yikes!) like being a new Program Director in the Living/Learning residences, some opportunities in the works, and my honors thesis project I'm going to be working on that I seem to be churning out ideas about everyday...and what's going to happen after next year when I have to look for another new school. I'm still so stressed about the logistics of this summer, but there are a few things I do know: I'm going to Europe in June (YES!!!), I'm going to be taking a summer English class to take some of the load off myself next year, and I'm going to have some kind of job somewhere that some sort of amount of money (I don't care how much...it's something) doing what I LOVE and what I'm good at. Because I'm better than being stuck in a rut, and I'm better than the same old scripts that have been written for me before.

I'm adding in a PLOT TWIST.

Peace out!

Looking Back, Moving Forward

The snow is slowly falling outside the large windows, the sky a milky grey. The flakes drift through a new air brought on by a new year. A fresh start. The air is chilly, but familiar like an old friend. It's reminiscent of winters long gone: of sledding down hills, skiing across open countryside in the colorful dusk, snowball fights, and warm afternoons with hot chocolate. It's also the snowfall of new adventures and memories yet to come. 2011 was quite a year, definitely busy, and it was full of amazing memories and good adventures.

It was a very stormy winter in haunted Converse and Megan as an R.A. at Quarry (aka The Q). There were lots of treks across frozen tundra and cold walks.

I received one of the most epic birthday cakes of my life shaped like the Doctor's TARDIS. Thank you Kendra!

Twelfth Night was an awesome and fun show to be a part of!

I was a part of the Catamount Singers and took an amazing improvisational movement class which changed a lot of my views of performance and opened myself up to new possibilities.

Megan and I started a brand new adventure as a couple.

UPlayers had a very successful semester this spring with an awesome bake sale , cabaret, and scavenger hunt!

I got a new job at UVM this summer and got to live and explore in Burlington during a beautiful summer. And I saw things like waterless toilets. Weird.

Megan and I took a trip to Cape Cod to see Ashley after her epic semester in Ireland.

The Doctor, his Roman Goddess, and the Gypsy had an epic and classy Halloween weekend.

I had ovaries.

HAIRSPRAY! happened after all that hard work and a debilitating bout  of bronchitis...

I also flexed a technical muscle in designing the lights for Toys this year. AND I was a teacher's assistant this semester, something that I loved doing and it confirmed my drive to be a theatre teacher. This summer I also started a "Ryan Performs in Places" segment on my blog which has been a lot of fun and a great outlet. I'm hoping to expand on it this year and possibly make a new blog for performances and writing. Hope to see you there!

I got my Dad a hoodie-footie for Christmas. Winning.

Iris had a good Christmas.

Finally, this Christmas and New Years was a lot of fun and full of Christmas cookies, family, and friends. The New Year concluded for Megan and I in Barre/Montpelier Vermont with one of our good friends Rosie. We went to the First Night dance party and then saw them release these beautiful paper, fire-lit lanterns into the night sky.

Happy New Year and a toast to new adventures.

Peace out!

Toys and Tea

My mind seems blank, frozen over like the ground outside covered in a light crust of icy snow. It's completely burnt out, shriveled up, and blank...wiped clean from an entire semester's worth of work. My brain has been stuffed to capacity, left to revel in its exhaustion and information overload. I look forward to this holiday season to make sense of everything my brain has encompassed over the past semester, and apply all of it to my life. I wait by the window, staring at the sky hoping to see at least a single snowflake. I wait for the ground to be full of fresh powder, not this icy shell that makes the Earth seem dark and dreary. Once my mind recovers, it will snow again, and the lights will reflect color and radiance in beams of droplets and icy webs. It's almost that time of year.

And it began a couple of weekends ago with the opening of The Toys Take Over Christmas which I worked on as one of the lighting designers this year. It was a little sad to be seeing the show in a different angle, all I could think about was last year and all the fun I had performing in the show, but then I really got into seeing it in a visual way and had just as much fun with Toys. It was a fabulous weekend after the extremely stressful week that came before it with all the work that went in to designing those gosh darn lights. Who knew it was so stressful to turn a light on and make it work? Not I sir, not I. I have a much greater appreciation of the art of lighting. My parents took my niece Iris to the show and she absolutely loved it. Granted, she's one year old but she was laughing during the whole show which is a very good thing.

That weekend also came with the Hairspray reunion production party which was held at this club overlooking the lake. It was a pretty gorgeous venue, and it was amazing to see the whole gang again. I still can't believe almost four months out of this semester was spent on working on Hairspray. It was an amazing, rewarding, and yet tiring experience that was so worth it. I've been telling everyone that when I look back on this semester all I can see is bronchitis (Why did that have to happen on top of everything else??) and cans of hairspray. I loved working with those people, and I'm proud of all of the work I've put in during the course of this semester.

It was a weekend full of surprises and candycanes. I started the weekend with a packet of green tea in my pocket, thinking I'd use it at some point during the day, but I ended up being so busy that the packet of green tea stayed in my pocket all weekend. I found it late Sunday night when I emptied my pockets and pulled out this wrinkled green tea packet, saturated and dirty.

Now as the semester draws to an end, I feel like I am that tea bag, saturated with knowledge and experience and dirty from hours of labor. It's time for a break. It's time for a very merry Christmas.

We exchanged presents last night at the Casa de Meg Ashley Ryan last night:

Oh! And check out this amazing book I've discovered! It's called The Terrible Underpants. It's a pretty special book about a girl who has some nasty underpants that she doesn't want to wear because all the kids laugh at her when she hangs upside down on the monkey bars and they can see her underpants. Also she has a pet wombat. Duh...

Pick this up at your local library. I don't know why this isn't on Oprah's book club list yet...

Hope you have a very happy start to your holiday season!

Peace out!

Occupy My Life

As we walked up the sidewalk, Megan and I hoped and prayed that the Marche (one of the very few late night dining options at UVM) would be open so there might be a chance at snagging some Ben and Jerry's for the night. Just as we came close, I could see through the windows that the lights in the Marche seemed pretty dark, and one of the door cages was down. The placed was closed. It had to be closed. But maybe there was a chance it was open. It was probably closed. But it has to be open. Ben and Jerry's depends on it! I ran up to the door in the harried hope that maybe...just maybe a miracle would happen and the door would magically be open just so I could get my hands on some creamy, sweet, and delicious Ben and Jerry's ice cream to relieve my stress. But when I pulled on the handle, the door wouldn't budge. I wept. I literally started crying as we walked back to the car, and then I thought to myself:

I'm crying right now because the Marche was closed so I couldn't get Ben and Jerry's. What is wrong with me?

Then I looked at my life, and looked at my choices, and realized that there was a lot wrong with me. Things have been pretty hectic in my camp with school and as one of the lighting designers with UVM's The Toys Take Over Christmas. It's been crazy, and there's been quite a lot of crying the past three days. The good news is the show is this weekend, so all the work we've been putting in will come to a head. Maybe soon I'll get a chance to finally occupy my life instead of being a bystander to all of the stress going on around me.


More good news: I got Ben and Jerry's tonight and the smell of frosty Christmas is in the air. Happy December!

My Christmas tradition: this song on repeat. 'Tis the season!


Peace out!

Days Like These

My alarm buzzed in its glaring tone at 6:30 a.m. Saturday morning. Weary, I rolled over and smacked my hand over the snooze. As the measly bits of early morning sunlight drifted through the room, I knew I had to get up if I was ever going to get everything done in this crazy, messed up day I had planned for myself.

And what a day it was...

My first task for the day was to take down some signs for a conference that had checked in the night before and use them to make my own signs for the hockey camp I had checking in this weekend. That went pretty well seeing how there was no one on the road that early in the morning, and it was hilarious to blast bad rap music while throwing signs out on the sidewalk. Then I had to grab door signs, candy, and cards to do room checks for the hockey camp. That got a little creepy seeing how the dorm complex was completely empty and every room in that place looks like a mental institution. I half expected Samara's ghost to be standing in the corner eyeballing me.

After an hour and a half of hanging signs and tossing maple candies into rooms, I ran over to Living/Learning to check the Puerto Ricans out that had been staying there since I started in May. For some reason, it took them a whole hour to drag their multitude of luggage over to the main desk so they could give me their keys. They were totally nice enough, but they propped the door to the main desk area open which set off this huge alarm. It blared throughout the entire hall, and I'm just running around being like, "GIVE ME YO KEYS! GIVE ME YO KEYS!" After about fifteen minutes, a member of the UVM Police stopped by for a little visit and I had to explain that there were a bunch of scientific Puerto Ricans checking out.

After that ordeal, I ran to make a quick lunch before working at the front desk until four. Then I had to run over with all of my check-in gear, including a stack of parking passes, to get ready to check in some of the hockey camp counselors. The check-in was supposed to happen outside, so I grabbed a small, round table for upstairs in the common room. Unfortunately, I didn't factor in my complete lack of strength as I attempted to hoist the puny, surprisingly heavy, table down the stairs. Then I rolled the monstrosity out the door and onto the lawn. I put everything, including the parking passes, down onto the table and went to go get a chair.

While I was gone, there must have been a monstrous gust of wind because the parking passes were blown everywhere. I spent ten minutes having a makeshift Easter egg hunt with the parking passes. I had just grabbed the last one when my client for the hockey camp drove into the parking lot.

Then I had to carry the table back upstairs...

At least Megan and I made the most fabulous nachos ever that night.

Peace out!

Beauty

I made the most amazing chocolate chip cookies last weekend. You know you want one.

Friday morning at work I made the most excellent Harry Potter themed weather board in anticipation of the FINAL MOVIE this past weekend.

Jake was supposed to come over this past weekend so we could all go see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 together but unfortunately Jake's car broke down. So, no Jake this weekend, but Megan and I still had a super awesome weekend which began with a lot of crying, cheering, and sobbing. Yes, I did all of those things while watching Harry Potter because to me, and to a whole generation of people, this movie really marks the end of an era. It marks the end of our childhoods, the last thing we grew up with.

I finished my re-read of the series on Friday just as I finished my desk shift. As I walked upstairs, I wiped tears from my eyes thinking about the adventures I had just been through, all the emotions I had felt, and all the lessons I had learned with Harry and his friends. And in one day's time, I knew that it was all going to end.  It's crazy how something so simple can effect people, and how a single story can make connections between people.

My hands shook as the opening credits played and my heart stopped when I remembered Dobby's death. I laughed when Hermione transformed into the evil Bellatrix Lestrange (Helena Bonham Carter is a genius.), I cheered when Harry, Ron, and Hermione escaped Gringotts on the back of a dragon, I cried when Professor McGonagall unleashed her rage against the man who had murdered Dumbledore, I shook when Voldemort and the Death Eaters came to Hogwarts and began the battle, I screamed when Nagini murdered Snape and sobbed when Harry learned of Snape's true alliance, I weeped when Harry learned his true destiny and marched into the Forbidden Forest with his family by his side, I smiled when Harry survived the Avada Kedavra curse again only to come back to the castle and fight and win.

It was amazing, and a beautiful ending. To watch Harry send his own children off to Hogwarts was the most brilliant ending there could be. Thank you for these stories J.K. Rowling, you have brought so much joy to so many children with your writing.

On the way to Middlebury to dance in the street - Big Band style.

A U.F.O.! Of course a theatre would have this set up.

The coolest storefront ever.

One thought that's crossed my mind lately is the way actors work. I don't want to give my own tools away because their mine, but most teachers (Hagen, Stanislavski, Strasberg, Meisner, mostly The Method) talk about finding a substitution for the emotional moment of a scene from your own past. For example, if I had a scene where a character was arguing with someone who abandoned him, I would try to think of a moment in my own life when I ever felt abandoned or betrayed to substitute that real emotion into the character. (For me, sometimes this really isn't enough. I like the Practical Aesthetics method introduced by David Mamet which involves create a physical image of a character, imagining the "given circumstances," and then filling in with substitutions and emotions.) Megan brought up the strange dilemma to me when actors stop feeling in real life, and the only way they can express emotion becomes the stage in a character, they're not able to have emotion themselves. It's kind of that image of the "stoic actor" who is very pompous, speaks in monotone, but when they get on the stage they completely transform.

In a way, the stage becomes an actor's form of therapy. But is it crossing a line when an actor can no longer feel in their own lives? I think the answer is yes. Uta Hagen talks about how the actor needs to be a vessel for emotion, and in an interview with Jennifer Anniston that Megan and I were watching, she mentioned how she feels like the actor has a deep well of emotion that they just use. Being that "emotional sponge" is the way an actor becomes a character. Actors have to let emotion effect them. Always. That's how we get the tools we need to play characters. We need to embrace the brilliant happiness and deeply feel sadness and anger in order to convincingly use the entire spectrum of human emotion when creating the aesthetic of a character.

So that's why I cried, laughed, cheered, and sobbed through Harry Potter. Because that's what I felt, and I was filling my well.

Peace out!

Keepin' It Classy In Cape Cod

As I walk down the glass hallway that leads to my room, rain and thunder pound away at the walls, and I realized that I left both of my windows open. I ran down the rest of the hallway, hurriedly unlocked my door, and dashed into my room to windows. I slipped and hydroplaned across the wet tiled floor and slammed into the windows, stubbing my toe and falling on my ass. This is no joke.

Btown just had a huge storm. While I was walking to the library it looked like the sky was in half with beautiful sunshine, and the other half was completely black. While I was coming back, it was like the storm was chasing me.

The banner I just made for my next group arriving to UVM.

This have been good since Megan and I came back to Vermont from our wonderful trip to Cape Cod, but I still wish we were there. It was a trip we've been trying to keep secret from the Internet because we were trying to surprise Ashley. We definitely succeeded in surprising her, and in rocking out the Cape. We did so much and we traveled all around, it would be really hard for me to go into detail for our entire trip. So here is a list of all the beautiful things we did. Hope you enjoy:

- We hiked around in Franconia Notch and the Basin

- We stopped in Plymouth, NH to surprise Eden then the three of us visited her awesome new apartment
- We stopped off in Cambridge on our way through Boston to find Harvard University, then got lost in Boston, and screamed as we drove through tunnels
- We named out GPS "Susan" and swore at her
- We sat in traffic, got flipped off, and got cut off
- We successfully surprised Ashley when she answered the front door and saw us standing there.

"WHAT THE FUCK! SINCE WHEN ARE YOU HERE!? FUCKING FUCK!"

- We got chewed by bugs
- We learned that Cape Cod belongs to Jesus

- Ashley gave us a tour of the Christmas Tree Shop
- We watched clouds descend onto the land
- We fought seagulls, hawks, and llamas
- We attempted to take a picture on the beach, but the sky was too bright, and Megan got sand in her eye

- We traveled to Provincetown and stopped by the National Seashore along the way

- We explored Ptown

- We went to an authentic Portuguese bakery and got fried dough and other yummy baked goods

- We made it to the end of the jetty

- We went clubbing at Pufferbellies in Hyannis twice, and met Ashley's friend John
- We met a group of Irish who were working on the Cape during the summer and were being discriminated against and being threatened to be kicked out of their apartment. But they were hilarious and had the best accents ever.
- We had a Ben and Jerry's buffet

- I broke my glasses, and then got them fixed in Falmouth
- We went to a toy store

- We went to a beautiful lighthouse on our way to Woods Hole

- We couldn't find parking in Woods Hole
- We couldn't go to Nantucket
- We went to the JFK Monument in Hyannis
- We went to a Zooquarium in Yarmouth and met a variety of different animals, especially the peacock we named Shannequa...because (s)he's sassy.

- We hiked two "Braille Trails" meant for blind people but I think if a blind person tried to walk either of these trails, they would die. Seriously dangerous.

- We frolicked in the woods and on playgrounds

- We met Vince and Laurie's (Ashley awesome parents') mannequin named Wayne

- We went to the beach and got totally sunburned.

- We attempted to ride this crazy paddleboat thing, but it was very hard to paddle in the ocean's currents and after about a million times flipping it over ad falling on rocks, we were done.

I paddled like Sawyer from LOST. Get it.

- We explored Main Street Hyannis including a creepy arcade with a sketchy bathroom where I thought I was going to be raped. Or murdered. Or both.
- We went to Nickerson State Park and tried to have a campfire. Emphasis on tried. Ashley and I did have a sword fight however, and we did eat Oreos with melted chocolate on them. Oh, and we hula-hooped, and we showed a group of kids how to use a piece of equipment on the playground.

- We went to the National Seashore Visitor's Center and checked out the surrounding area. I found a stage and danced on it.

- We went to the Drive-In and watched Cars 2 and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. But it was really more about the Drive-In experience. It's so much better than a cinema.

- We met Ashley's very shy cat named Bandit.

- We went to Scargo Tower in Dennis and saw a lake shaped like a fish

- We walked the beach

-We went to the Salem Witch Museum on the way home and discovered how prejudice in America causes modern day witch hunts. Way to go America. Again.

We had an amazing and wonderful trip. Thank you Laurie and Vince for letting us squat in your house for a week. Thank you Ashley for showing us Cape Cod. We loved it.

Peace out!