A Nature's Guide to Clubbing

Are you an avid clubber? Do you enjoy raining yourself in glitter and sweat and grinding against total strangers to music with the bass so loud it feels like it pulled your heart out of your chest and shook it? Well if you do, then this blog post is not for you. For the rest of us, this guide to the jungle world that is the clubbing scene will help you identify a number of different species you will encounter on your journeys. Hopefully this guide will help you maneuver the laser lit rooms and avoid highly dangerous predators.

The Grinders
The first species you are likely to discover spends most of their clubbing time on the dance floor. The males and females form symbiotic physical relationships in which the female moves her butt in a circular motion around the male's crotch area to the beat of extremely loud rap music. This could also be considered a mating dance, however, anyone who comes in the near vicinity of The Grinders may find themselves victim of their grinding ways.

The Woo Girls and The Abercrombie Guys
Here's an example of The Woo Girls from one of my favorite T.V. show How I Met Your Mother:

The Woo Girls and the Abercrombie Guys are offshoot breeds of the drunkards. The Woo Girls are an extremely excitable bunch as evidenced by their exclamations and skanky clothing. The Abercrombie Guys are developed from the genus of frat boys as evidenced by their preppy yet dirty clothing and pitchers of beer in their hands. These species are generally harmless.

Gangsta Wannabes

In an actual city, this species would actually be gangsters. But in Burlington, VT, they're just weird. I think they forget where they're living.

Creepy Security Guys

This species is native to the clubbing scene. Mostly male, this species is signified by ultra tight T-shirts and muscles bigger than their stature actually allows. Mostly, this species walks around creepin' on other species in an attempt of intimidation. It doesn't work.

The Tongues

This species also forms physical symbiotic relationships, this time in connection with the oral cavity. They are distinguished by their lowly coordinated tongue movements and the glisten of saliva on their faces. This species is relatively harmless, yet shamelessly disgusting.

...and then there's us

When we walk in the club, all eyes on us.

Peace out!